Monday, June 15, 2009

Boomerang: A Manifesto of Some Sort.

**Naj's Note
I made a CONSCIOUS DECISION not to write about KOBE, or the LAKERS winning, Or anything of that sort. But a congratulations go out to dem niggas... [Though it was Trevor Ariza who saved yall asses. That is all.]

There are nights, where something so simple as watching a movie can bring an epiphany. Maybe I shouldnt even say that word because I believe its something we always knew about all along, so we recieve these REMINDERS at the oddest of times. Months, even years pass by before we get that REMINDER and moan about or BITCH about what we lost or what was important to us. And it is such a moment whereas LAST NIGHT, I finally recieved mine.

At the end of this week, it will be 4 going on 5 months where I have been single. Let me correct myself: SINGLE without having SEX. Now I believe there will be a few disbelievers at the screen like "Pssh, whatever nigga", but I tell you... My testimony is TRUE. In the months I have been single, I have not had SEX. I do remember my last partner, location and time. And I can tell you afterwards... I threw it all away. On a Whim, no doubt. I was seeing a girl. A GOOD GIRL. A GREAT GIRL. She cooked, catered to my needs, had the same interests and everything. But, just as suddenly when I began to doubt myself and that relationship. I met someone. My "Jacquelyn Broyer", and I was hooked. I'd wanted her since COLLEGE. She was gorgeous. Sexy. Everything I wanted. And now I have the opportunity to be with her? I went for it. Leaving everything behind in the dust.

Needless to say, the relatonship in itself was a DISASTER. Now I've jumped fences to see if the grass was greener on the side countless times... But DAMN. And as for the girl I left behind? She moved on. That's nothing new, but she did it in a such a harsh way that made me upset. We had nothing to say, we didnt speak. NOTHING. She was recently in an accident/tragedy and I prayed that she was okay. She was, but as I was scheduling to go see her... She told a friend of mine that she didnt want me there. I was HURT, MAD, ASTONISHED, and BEWILDERED. I finally acknowledged the fact that I didnt exist to her. And that upset me to the very core. Cuz I figure I'm a pretty MEMORABLE guy. But NARCISISM aside, I was jealous. How come she could do it, and I couldn't? Why cant she be another distant memory, another notch on the belt, another conversation over beer and cigarettes? Because she got THROUGH. She did. And I had cared. Couldnt she had seen that I cared? But I see I only cared for myself. And I realize that jumping from one hoop to the next when I was good for nothing wasn't smart. How could I try MONOGAMY or COMMITTMENT or be HONEST, when I was none of those to both of those girls? Better yet... HONEST to myself?

I wont lie though. I have LOVED. I've LOVED hard. And I have LOVED & LOST. On this highway we call LIFE, we expect to go through speedbumps of love. But me though, have been on a much bumpier ride. Because I'm so...in LOVE with the thought of love that I treat em like random bus stops on the way. I'm always looking for the next, with one foot out the door. I've let GOOD ones go. GREAT ones even... And I dont think it ws ever about me LOVING them. It was me LOVING them the right way. The way I was supposed to. Eddie Murphy's character talked about love in the movie "BOOMERANG" and Halle Berry's character challenged him with, "You think you know about LOVE? I'm so sick of men using LOVE like its a disease! Love shouldve brought your ass home last night!" And we as men HAVE NOT been home lately. Its funny, I once told an ex of mine that when I was with her, it felt like "home'. I had meant it. But i dont know if I would mean it now. I dont know how I feel now. I dont trust myself to fall in love, because I think I find it in every girl that I meet. But when I do LOVE again, I want to be SCARED. I want to be MISERABLE. I dont want to BREATHE...

I don't know where I had planned to go with this, or what point I was trying to make. I just wanted to say something. Maybe share how I felt...

Oh and that reminder? It wasn't a girl from my past... It wasn't past mistakes... It was REASSURANCE...

It was LOVE.

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