Turbulence

"I'm going thru [TURBULENCE], everything [UP] and [DOWN]..."

- Playaz Circle

When I posted the blog known as "The Somersault", I thought to myself as I posted it, "This is the moment where EVERYTHING changes." I said it to myself again to make sure I knew the ramifications of what would transpire. Here I was, handing in my resignation to the game. I mean, really handing it in. Retiring from the [LIFE] as Rich likes to call it. Yet, I didn't feel any remorse, any sadness... I was HAPPY. Because here I was, prepared to start the next phase of my life with the woman [not girl] that I loved. I've loved H.E.R for about 5 years now. If you know me, you know the whole importance of H.E.R. So after I post this, I can hear the happiness from her voice, the shock, the surprise. Her voice crackling through tears, her begging me to "Shut up"... asking me "Is this real?" Yes. It was real... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I do want to. I want to marry this girl.

But yet, as with any couple... We have our share of hiccups [which were explained in earlier blogs] but this kinda makes me nervous. Today, I had to go to the library on base to get a faxed copy of our marriage license application in San Diego. Before I sign, I stare at it realizing that this is real. The moment I sign this, everything goes in fast forward. I'm looking at her name to be changed to "Portia Browman" and I have a brief shortness of breath. I'm excited and in a panic at the same time... Not only because of what I see, but because of a text I recieved earlier in the day. Portia wonders if I'm marrying her just for the benefits [as most men do to stack guap. Its actually a habit of most men in the military.]. But that's not the case with me. I'm marrying her cause I love H.E.R... She's that girl for me. So without hesitation, I sign it. I go to fax it back and I call her... and she proceeds to forewarn me that if this is all a joke to expect to be hurt so bad that I get medically discharged. I try to assure her that its not the case and continue with one of the most weirdest convos I've ever had with this girl. I played some basketball to clear my mind and my mind starts to work. Maybe she's just scared...? Maybe she's nervous? Maybe she doesn't wanna get hurt? All these go thru my head... But I don't understand. "It was all good just a week ago."

I don't think this is a problem... I only feel that this is TURBULENCE. A rough patch during takeoff... before a clear and smooth landing... I cannot wait for that day she becomes mine... For those words, "You may kiss the bride." The day the justice of the peace, or whomever says "Mr and Mrs. Browman"... For the day she looks into my eyes and I know [like the first day we locked eyes] that we are intertwined... FOREVER.

What We Talking About Freestyle

[N]-T

Yo...

It feels so good to back!

I had to brush the cobwebs off for a sec, get my mind right...

You know, I gotta show I still got it...

Hold up... let me take a breath...

[N]

Are we talkin bout real shit? or we talking bout the fake?

Or we talking bout the countless shit spoken on my name?

Are we talking bout the drama that seeps out all the time

or we talking bout Alice shit or we talking bout mine...

What we talking bout? Cause clearly I aint got time

To hear what people be talking bout all the time...

So they say I used her shit, I say I added a rhyme...

Took a page out of HOV book, he's a hero of mine

So we talking bout fiction? or we talkin bout facts?

Oh I don't love you? Pardon my back...

Pardon my sarcasm, pardon how I act cuz all I hear is...

"Damn Naj, why you goin like that?"

You wanna talk about hurt? We can talk about pain...

You wanna hear funny shit, go and find a Wayans...

I beginning to see this is got damn shame...

Same rules, same stage... So I'll play the game...

Give me a second to chill and breathe...

Show me an exit, I'll turn and leave

Let's not talk about gossip, lets talk about how real it be

Go ahead and add Portia and go ahead and add Ebony

I need a middleman, so let's go and get Tee

Cause we get confused about real shit, other niggas playin...

What are you talkin bout? I dont know what yall sayin...

Everybody wanna talk, but I aint gonna snap...

I'm kinda better than before so go and do that?

So now we got no words? now we challenging the fact...

100% N.A.J.E.E go ahead and google that...

So now I'm bout to bury this... put it in its casket

Put it all to bed, somebody find me a mattress...

I aint talking bout MUSIC, I aint talking bout LOVE

Cause now both of them have left me in disgust

Our conversation has changed, let's talk about that...

They say I'd rather be ELSEWHERE, but now I really dont care

I used to dream that I end up here...

What up to 29, I'll see you soon San Diego...

You'll be meeting just ME, you see how that go...

Just pass me a drink and let the newport burn slow...

Save me a dance with the devil, and tell her grind slow...

[Hook] 

They Talk, We Live, We see what They say, They say, They say 

They Talk, We Did, Who cares what They say, They say, They say 

[end of transmission]

DREAM

When I wake up in the morning time, I...

Like to see you sleepin by my side, I...
Think about the nights we had before
Wanna give you this and more
Let you know I truly adore you
Bein with you, lovin you this way is so sweet

First time you kissed me you made my knees go weak
We can be forever, happy, through rain or whatever...
Never gonna take the fantasy away from you...

I need to be... Everything you see in your dreams...
It seems to me you'll never find another lover good as I to give you all that you need...

And I'll be there to love you each and every night and all through the day...

There was a time I didn't have you around...
For 5 years my heart never made a sound
Now it's beatin loud, my head's in the clouds
Never doubt that I'mma always be
Down to hang around you
You makin me feel so good inside
The way I feel when you're lovin me makes me wanna cry
Off the strength of the things you do
Make my love dream come true
Movin me to tell you that I love you

I need to be everything you see in your dreams...
It seems to me you'll never find another lover good as I to give you all that you need...
And I'll be there to love you each and every night and all
Through the day...

Ok, I'ma break it down for you:

I'm traveling on a rollercoaster, going a 1000 miles an hour

and I can't even stop these emotions, I don't even have the power

See we built this up from nothing, look at what we're becoming

I could never lie about how I feel, but you think I'm fronting

But you captivate me, thru every word and every sound

Am I flying or floating? Cause my feet hasn't hit the ground

You should know that I'm not any guy, these feelings true though you swear they lies

So I'll just your ignore the hesitation and pretend to empathize...

Better yet, I'll improvise...

What that sound like? You say I love the freedom and that I rather be elsewhere

Hopefully that place is somewhere in a bed playing in your hair...

And even though we have a difference of opinion

You're the only one I'm seeing when I sleeping.

Me and you make the perfect cast, perfect team...

You askin me to mean what I say and say what I mean...

This may sound like a demand, but that's not what it be

Even though you doubt me, even from 500 lightyears away, I need to be everything you see in ya dreams...

The [SOMERSAULT]...

[CONGRATULATIONS]...

You Make It [IMPOSSIBLE] To [KEEP] A [SECRET] From You...

Blog [TRIFECTA]: When It Rains... It Pours...

Understand me, I'm writing this blog as I'm getting texts from my girlfriend detailing how I just hurt her beyond words. I'm frustrated because that if I knew how much drama I was gonna get over the "YEAH YOU" blog, I wouldn't have wrote it... I'd keep it to myself. But then again, that's not me either. I'm starting to feel misunderstood. Because I did this to "LET GO"... LET GO of the past... But yet it makes me look like I'm still in [LOVE]. And I'm not in LOVE with Ebony whatsoever. I am completely over this girl... on to the next one. PORTIA, who I adore! But now she's mad... I don't understand what I did wrong. All I did was wish her well and said how she did me and everything. But I get crucified? Why me? When I didn't do anything... Part 2 should tell you how I feel about it. But yet, I'm the bad guy... I'm always that guy.

I can't win for losing... Everything goes away that means the most to me. Honestly it hurts... Cause I just want this to be over... But NOPE. Najee has to write a blog and now everybody's mad at him... Najee can't let go, cause I keep being brought back. I can tell you how I would love to MOVE ON with PORTIA... How I would like to go on, but IDK... I want to... I want this to be over. I would love nothing more than just to see Portia and talk this out, or just talk it out period. But, I have NO SERVICE in my room... Great. So now I gotta sleep with this on my head and hope I pass my test tomorrow. I haven't even STUDIED again besides the study group and that was a joke. So what I do now? When everything is not going your way... How do you keep what means most? How do I do that?

Most of all...

How can I keep you from walking away?

The [FUNNIEST] Things People [SAY]...

Now normally, I'm not one to put my business out on the street... Well, correction... I am one, just not ALL of it. I leave tids and tads out because this is MY life, not yours. I do appreciate rockin with me though throughout it all. So, I go and bring yall into my world yet again. Now when I wrote the "Yeah You" blog [Word to N.E.R.D], I really didn't do it out of [SPITE], I did it as a [CLOSURE] method that these people talk about. I did it to let go, and to clear my head. I wasn't tryna snap on Ebony [That car line was a joke, cuz Richards don't like Pontiacs and they are indeed... [GARBAGE]...] Irregardless [That is NOT a word!], I wasn't tryin to spill any bad blood between ol' girl. Really I wasn't. But during the super bowl I get a call [UNKNOWN no doubt...] and R.O.C Girl Jascob answers it [Cuz I don't answer that shit. So don't call me UNKNOWN] and of course, its Ebony... Before she can yell and scream and curse, I hang up.

Fast Forward past the Saints rallying from 10 down to win it all and me goin to study group, I get a MYSPACE msg from ol girl saying this:

"first off your welcme. although i should be mad about the blog im not! im glad you admire me. second thanks for congratulating me on my new life. my condo. my car. and most of all my new man. second, everything you said wasnt true. i never railed you in. i never pursued u. and the text was only because i was vulnerable. i looked in the mirror the other day and asked myself, what am i worth? what do i want. and then came adrian. ugh hes so good to me. he accepts that im getting an abortion in less than a month. he accepts my career and my future. and the dick is damn good. and i realized bouncing back and forth to you and kd dad was stupid. i decided to delete my past and move on with my life start new. so i did. i sent you the text telling you that i was letting this go although according to portia you guys broke up. lmao. i sent a text to kds dad as well and it felt damn good. so as i spent the first night in my new condo, i felt free. free of being told wht to do. free of getting put down by your triflin, ghetto ass momma, babymamma and auntie. it felt good. all u did was treat me like shit. and u still do. when ur own family wouldnt write u i was there. when your own triflin momma couldnt take you to a bus station i was there. when your babymoma tripped i was there. funny things is you still the same fuckin bitches ova to get to the top. i wish one day you truly will become a man, because u honestly belong in the navy. not the marines. i hope one day ur family will stop using you and realize that what theyre doing is wrong. i hope one day naeshawn gets to know u, because according to canisha, he dont. stop partying and get a relationship with ur son. u have a lot of growing to do naj. an i really hope u do well. thanks again for my success. wish me luck at the car show. oh yea tell richards i said grow a neck. and to stop hating that even the military cant help him hook up his shit. ahhhahahah. goodbye naj."

Now, normally... I'd get pissed as shyt and cuss your ass out. Especially when you bring things like: My family in this. Cuz it's between me and you. Its our business. But when do shyt like this, I oblige you and commence to "Bobby Flay" [as Richards say] ya ass. So first off hear this... If you could read, then you would've read that I said "MAYBE" Like: Maybe you did this, or Maybe you did that. I didn't say that you did. MAYBE. All that damn education you got and you still read what the fuck you wanna read. You got a man now and that's cool. Props to Adrian and God bless his ass cuz that nigga gonna need prescription medicine for dealin wit yo ass after a week! He accepts your career and future? Trick, you a supervisor at a NURSING HOME! You aint even a doctor! You give meds and sponge baths! Yeah, I can see somebody accepting that. When at tax time, I'll make more than both of you. The dick is damn good? Okay cool... That shows that you're more of a HO than I thought you were. Dude hit in a week! Don't tell ol' boy how you went when you're with me... Don't tell that "war kitten" how I had ya ass screaming my name and shit... You honestly think I care if the dick is good? I got letters DOCUMENTING you wanted my shit and I was all the way at PARRIS FUCKING ISLAND! Your car? Really that shit need XZIBIT's handy work, cause what the fuck you doin to ya car Ma? Really? LAMBO DOORS? ON A SUNFIRE? 1200 DOLLARS? get a refund ho cause you overpaid: for your car and the doors hoe... The body kit cost more than the retail value of your car! REALLY! YEAH RITE GIRL! You saw Tokyo Drift one too many times...

And I treated you like shit, while I was here in 29 Palms... I was FAITHFUL! [SHOCKER!] And here you go, actin like a HO and meet Adrian, who straight up pounced on your ass, takin you to see AVATAR and then he hit! [Maybe that was before...] I should give that nigga or white boy a pound! He supports your abortion? That's ABORTION #2 SWEETHEART... [cuz the 2nd one was when I was boot camp from some other nigga] That's nothing to be proud of... 40K a year? Really? Wow... You makin money... SURE... I had my own HOUSE... Not CONDO at 20... And me and Portia done and through? Think again babes, 5 years strong... even though we weren't together. You lying to Portia talking bout' Cedric goin to Afghanistan! Ced aint even in the MARINES NO MORE! [Maybe because he couldn't HACK it...] I belong in the NAVY... Yeah right! You aint HALF the women here in the MARINES, and some of them is garbage... Portia make MORE money than you can dream of... And don't get me started on ya moms yo how she diking and shit... Talking bout my Moms triflin and shit... Wow. All my AUNTS are College EDUCATED [Masters, Doctorates...], Mom is EDUCATED too understand? So lets no go there... I would let Richards cook but he already did on the phone... LOL :) I cant believe I even went this far... Maybe I'll delete this shit... Maybe I wont... but you're funny. HILARIOUS.

I DONT SAY THIS WORD BUT...

BITCH KICK ROCKS... WIT NO SHOES ON...

I'ma laugh when ya ass runs back... to NOTHING... Maybe ya MAMA's house...

While I'm in SAN DIEGO... Sippin 57 Chevy's wit the ROC BOYS laughing about... um...

um...

What's your name again?

...Callin yaself classy when you're myspace pic is of your ass... Open Invite maybe?...

[end of transmission]

Yeah You...

I thought for a long time about how I was gonna write this. I really didn't know what to say or how to say it. But for the record, I want to say "Thank You." You're probably looking at this wondering WTF I'm talking about... Because you still believe that the dude who's writing this and the dude who wrote those letters are different. But we're not... He is I and I am HIM... I say "Thank You" because you taught me alot about my myself... You tested my patience and very soul. You did things that I USED to laugh at my homeboys about... You looked thru my phone records... You lied to me... You [PROBABLY] cheated on me once or twice.... You stole numbers out of my phone... I went thru hell with you. But there were good times, such as our first meeting. And I'll never forget what you done for me the night before I left... That took planning and time... and it was GENIUS. But maybe that was done to rope me in. Your bait to hook me.

Maybe when we met you this planned all along. I damn near lost my mind, and damn near my family to be with you. And what drives me crazy was the fact that I was perfectly [FINE] with it. I would do it, because I [LOVED] you and I swore you [LOVED] me. I didn't appreciate the arguements when I got to 29 Palms... Even on the plane, I'm cursing you out... I'm having an arguement with you in the middle of an airport!!! That was crazy, but I loved you. When you told me you were pregnant, I admit... I wasn't happy, but I would ride it out with you. Somehow between me leaving for MCT and going to 29 Palms, I lost something... Somebody changed. You claim I became different from that guy at boot camp. But that guy IS me... and always be. I thank you because I never thought I'd be that strong. From you cursing me out, degrading my character... doubting me, not supporting me... I overcame all of it... I became a champion. Now I see you doing good things [as you always did]: You're working, fixing up your car [Though Richards believes that a Pontiac Sunfire w/ Lambo doors still makes it a P.O.S] and you got a new guy as well...

I admit, I felt a moment of weakness for a second when you sent me that text... I would've forgiven all. But I remember all that I went through... Was it all worth it? Just to go back? Would it be better? Could we make it like it was? No. We came too far, we crossed a threshold that we couldn't go back to. You even insulted my mother... So no... HELL NO. I wish you well... I wish you [LOVE].

"But I guess things [CHANGE], its funny how somebody else's [SUCCESS] brings [PAIN], when you no longer [INVOLVED], that person has it all and you just stuck standing there... But I'm gon need you to [SAY SOMETHING] baby..."

-Drake, "Say Something"

Farewell.