Tonight, I feel like a man on the BRINK. So many thoughts have been floating around in my head, that I barely can escape them. I’ve drank, smoked [cigarrettes] and even prayed to escape, but I can’t. Even in my sleep, I am bothered by these thoughts. Some of these thoughts I’ve had date back to when I was writing a little bit of Everything is Under Control. That’s why I named it that. Because, I was going thru these things and that’s what I would do to calm myself down say “Everything is Under Control…” I feel like I have to find some bit of solace, a bit of peace in my life. And that begins with me settling a lot of things with my father. I admit, I have a bit of abandonment issues. I always prepared for the worst of things so I accept it to a point. I always have one foot in and one foot out the door. I feel everyone eventually leaves you. People are in your life for a lifetime and a season. It becomes frustrating after while, because I don’t know how to deal with it. I wish I could talk to someone… But sometimes I’m afraid people don’t understand me. I’m almost positive they don’t… So I tend to keep things bottled in. I feel like I’m searching… Searching for one person who understands me. But I get it wrong. I expect too many things and it never works out. I lay in bed sometimes wondering, why haven’t I snapped yet? It must be because of my writing. It has to be…
This search for understanding has led me down different avenues, many relationships… I’ve been with girls… and really by this FEAR, I push them away. Canisha, Portia, Ebony, TeeTee… Everything good eventually goes away. I start by saying, I want to make things right. I want to be a good boyfriend and eventually a good husband. I hate when people say they know me because honestly, they really don’t. You just know a facet… a certain degree. And just because you may see me smiling back at you, and greet you with a brown eyed gaze… I simply am not… There. All in all, I’m still that boy in the rain. That boy who’s still standing out in that driveway looking at the limozines pull up. I miss my father. I miss his laughter. His wisdom. I wish I had him here. And I vowed to do that with Nae’shawn, but I haven’t had the chance. I want to make things right. And it hurts that I can’t with him right now being on different sides of the country. Canisha said something that stucks in my head, “I can’t take back all the mean things I’ve said about you and you can’t take back missing your son grow up… I wish you could just make it right. Life is so complex.” I made a comment that in every relationship, each girl I’ve cared about have left their print on me. With Canisha, she taught me to rely on myself. To survive in the roughest of conditions. I will always appreciate her being there throughout me being homeless, braving the cold while pregnant with our son… Not knowing where we were gonna sleep next. But we were living to see another day. Toya taught me to rely on my writing. To trust my words… She’s the only person to test me creatively. Portia taught me that no matter what roads life takes you… Love doesn’t conquer all. We had all this history, but when it came down to it… We could never close the deal. I could never close the deal. I still have those memories of the past with me. And though I thought I could trust her, and marry her… I couldn’t. Portia taught me to rely on reason. Tee Tee taught me that attraction isn’t enough. And just because you’re ready for love… you may not be ready for it at the moment. I’m glad she’s happy where she is. Ebony is teaching me to rely on another. Though, the jury is still out on me relying on her, she IS trying to show the way with whatever we have. Cause all she wants to do is be there. And while I may not be there or totally willing yet. I’ll get there. Just in my own way.
I am misunderstood…
But I long understanding…
I long for love. LOVE hurts, LOVE heals… but you must LOVE hard…
I long to love…
ME.
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