Shout Outs In 165...

American [PSYCHO]: Lesson's [LEARNED]

Tonight, I feel like a man on the BRINK. So many thoughts have been floating around in my head, that I barely can escape them. I’ve drank, smoked [cigarrettes] and even prayed to escape, but I can’t. Even in my sleep, I am bothered by these thoughts. Some of these thoughts I’ve had date back to when I was writing a little bit of Everything is Under Control. That’s why I named it that. Because, I was going thru these things and that’s what I would do to calm myself down say “Everything is Under Control…” I feel like I have to find some bit of solace, a bit of peace in my life. And that begins with me settling a lot of things with my father. I admit, I have a bit of abandonment issues. I always prepared for the worst of things so I accept it to a point. I always have one foot in and one foot out the door. I feel everyone eventually leaves you. People are in your life for a lifetime and a season. It becomes frustrating after while, because I don’t know how to deal with it. I wish I could talk to someone… But sometimes I’m afraid people don’t understand me. I’m almost positive they don’t… So I tend to keep things bottled in. I feel like I’m searching… Searching for one person who understands me. But I get it wrong. I expect too many things and it never works out. I lay in bed sometimes wondering, why haven’t I snapped yet? It must be because of my writing. It has to be…

This search for understanding has led me down different avenues, many relationships… I’ve been with girls… and really by this FEAR, I push them away. Canisha, Portia, Ebony, TeeTee… Everything good eventually goes away. I start by saying, I want to make things right. I want to be a good boyfriend and eventually a good husband. I hate when people say they know me because honestly, they really don’t. You just know a facet… a certain degree. And just because you may see me smiling back at you, and greet you with a brown eyed gaze… I simply am not… There. All in all, I’m still that boy in the rain. That boy who’s still standing out in that driveway looking at the limozines pull up. I miss my father. I miss his laughter. His wisdom. I wish I had him here. And I vowed to do that with Nae’shawn, but I haven’t had the chance. I want to make things right. And it hurts that I can’t with him right now being on different sides of the country. Canisha said something that stucks in my head, “I can’t take back all the mean things I’ve said about you and you can’t take back missing your son grow up… I wish you could just make it right. Life is so complex.” I made a comment that in every relationship, each girl I’ve cared about have left their print on me. With Canisha, she taught me to rely on myself. To survive in the roughest of conditions. I will always appreciate her being there throughout me being homeless, braving the cold while pregnant with our son… Not knowing where we were gonna sleep next. But we were living to see another day. Toya taught me to rely on my writing. To trust my words… She’s the only person to test me creatively. Portia taught me that no matter what roads life takes you… Love doesn’t conquer all. We had all this history, but when it came down to it… We could never close the deal. I could never close the deal. I still have those memories of the past with me. And though I thought I could trust her, and marry her… I couldn’t. Portia taught me to rely on reason. Tee Tee taught me that attraction isn’t enough. And just because you’re ready for love… you may not be ready for it at the moment. I’m glad she’s happy where she is. Ebony is teaching me to rely on another. Though, the jury is still out on me relying on her, she IS trying to show the way with whatever we have. Cause all she wants to do is be there. And while I may not be there or totally willing yet. I’ll get there. Just in my own way.

I am misunderstood…

But I long understanding…

I long for love. LOVE hurts, LOVE heals… but you must LOVE hard…

I long to love…

ME.

The Story of Us...

Looking thru the contents, pages and chapters

Damn, I thought we would live happily ever after

Life's no fairy tale, love's the same matter

I hear our cries and screams over our moans and our laughter...

Documents that show a good thing gone bad

Man I wish that I coulda gave it all that I had

I wish I could go and rewrite the past...

Maybe this thing of our could last

This love was lived like a movie script

No hollywood ending, just your heart breaking...

Only speaking truth in rhyme, no matter how bad it is

I tried to bury my heart's pain, but still it lives...

Paragraphs to a haiku, a soliloquy to a sonnet

Janet says you never know what you got til its gone... Isn't that ironic?

So with every line written, this is all that I've giving...

My prescribed LOVE of LOVE has been a self-made prison...

So every short story after is just a game...

I feel nothing... I'm numb by the thrill to gain...

It hurts so bad, I can't even speak your name

Aliases doesn't help... so who's to blame?

I can't even bear to hear voice... cause it pains me...

Remembering the days I promised you "forever my lady"...

Jodeci can't even put this in words... I've gone half-crazy...

I'm not even asking for a co-author of this masterpiece of miminalism...

I just need a better view thru life's prism...

So here's my resignation as the "brother to the night"

Let me focus on being a better brother alright?

Get together. Fall Apart. Start over once described this relationship as such

Consider this an AFTERWARD in the story of us...

"This Thing You Call [MUSIC], We Call This [LIFE]!"

There's a [REASON] why I still listen to [HIP-HOP]... An its because of [CLIPSE]...
They're funny... [SEE HERE]

Re-Up Harangue from jeff on Vimeo.

And because they can [SPIT]...[see here]

Clipse "Freedom" Music Video from Malice of the Clipse on Vimeo.

Super Size Me [FREESTYLE]

I was a bit inspired by Asher Roth's new mixtape, "Seared Foie Gras With Quince And Cranberry".
Especially the track, "Muddy Swim Trunks". So here's my hand at the freestyle...

[Music Starts]


[N]
I'm a just go on this shit here...
Maybe I'll say something impressive...
I don't even know where to come in...
Check it...


[N]
Quick life lesson: 1 plus 1 = 2, 2 plus 1 equals three
Asher got the ball, alley oops to me
I'm 5'11, balling like I'm 6'7...
I give niggas headaches with a lifetime prescription of EXCEDRIN...
Extra strength action, relief fast acting
I'm in OCEANSIDE, beside Bonita Applebum just relaxing
Wit a bottle of Corona and a 12 pack of Heineken
I'm poured up, singin "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton
I'm having the time of my life, lamping and laughing...
R.I.P Pat Swayze, though this aint "Dirty Dancing"
Volleying rhymes, like Federer playing tennis
Flowing on the beat, gotta formulate the sentences
Yeah, Pen mightier than the sword...
A 16 bar verse is the equivalent to a SCRABBLE board.
Outrhyming me is like Jay-Z working with Hanson
I scare niggas like free throws scare Nick Anderson
With the game on the line... It works every time...
Majoring in "Battle Studies", John Mayer's a professor of mine
You a LAME, common knowledge, everybody knows it.
You Gilbert Arenas in the locker room with guns unloaded... [It was a JOKE!]
You watch COPS to see inside a jail cell...
I should be in one for using these words real well...
So lock me up, please throw away the key...
Shout out to Portia for telling Eb about my B.L.O.G
You wasting energy spreading news about M dot E
That spells ME, just in case I lost you...
Are you reading clearly? Pump up the VOLUME...
Not Christian Slater, more like Rakim
Fuck Eric B., Najee for president if you ask me
Reagan 80' flow the way I spit that hard crack
Went to HELL for snuffing Jesus and Guantanamo Bay for asking OBAMA for my CHANGE back [Yo, Barack let me get that back man...]
Now everybody talk shit, it doesn't bother me a bit...
Besides I'm so confident, I take insults as a compliment [Why, thank you!]
So all your misinformed nonsense is just time well spent...
While you're at it, check out my blogsite, make sure you read every single line
Then sit and dissect it and see if I'm talking bout yo ass this time
Cause I write this shit not for me but for you and yours...
I'm just wondering the kind of convo me and pops would have about "Reasonable Doubt" back in 94'.
If I started talking bout Rap, would he really have listened?
Would he notice that his son would need him later MORE THAN EVER before that HEROIN kicked in?...
LISTEN... way before Ready to die got mixed...
Pops was lettin that other white girl drip...
It all comes back to me... Him and Uncle Noel fighting over me in a BLOCKBUSTER parking lot
While this white woman sits in the passenger looking quite hot.
I wanted to see Batman Returns so they copped that and Alien 2
Michelle Pfeiffer looking good on the big screen... It all seems like a dream.
So I sat in my room as a MC beginner...
No rap there, so I used to rap over Enya...
Damn, if Pops could see me now, he'd be hella surprised...
A small fry back then but now I'm super sized...
Goodbye.

[N]-Talking
Whew...! I told you... I'm gonna say something very impressive...

Here's ASHER ROTH'S VERSION...

"Do we [KNOW] Each Other?..." - Rusty Ryan

[Crepuscolo Sul Mare plays in the background...]
Rusty walks up smiling to a stunningly beautiful dark haired woman
Rusty: Do we know each other?
Isabel: Uh... I think I saw you yesterday...
Rusty: Oh yeah?
Isabel: Yes. I think you were being chased by the police.
Rusty [laughing]: Chasing me? I don't think so...
[CUT TO SCENE where Rusty IS being chased by the police and passes her...]
Isabel: Quite sure it was you...
Rusty: Doesn't say much for the police...


This comes from one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME [OCEAN'S TWELVE]. I've always thought of myself as the character Rusty Ryan [Brad Pitt]. You know: handsome, soft-spoken man who could best be described as "cool"...? His character was always my favorite. I thought he was cool. And I liked his devil-may-care attitude as well. This scene I'm talking about is when Rusty meets the woman who basically changed his life, Isabel. But it aint just the words spoken in the scene, it's this song... This two and a half minute song that just made me fall in love. "Crespuscolo Sul Mare" by Piero Umiliani. It reminds me of a girl I used to know. A girl I lost once before. I can call her my match when it comes to writing. She's like me with her words: Straight forward, thought evoking... full of wonder and life. I love her work, some of the ones about me... but I love her words. She's my ISABEL. Its to a point where I call her "Catherine" [Catherine Zeta-Jones played Isabel] and she calls me "Brad".

I lost her forever, due to that tryst with ShaKira but after awhile I began to keep tabs. I admit, I kinda cyber stalked her for a minute. That [Ex of Mine] link? Yup, that's her. I wanted to be as close to her without being close... I needed her words. I was saddened to hear of her illness, silently rooted for her to overcome. I waited patiently for a new blog... and nothing came. I just sat back and read all the ones she wrote before. I felt the pain in her sentences... the angst in her paragraphs about me and the end of our relationship. The elation and courage to finally let go... of me. I felt it all, and loved every word. Even the unsavory ones about me. [I'm vain like that] And without warning, she added me as a friend on facebook again. I added her with delight... but with caution. One day while I was in class, I decided to reach out... I dialed the numbers I memorized to a tee and sent her a msg: "Hi Catherine" it read. 10 minutes later, "Hi Brad" came back and suddenly we were off on a conversation about nothing, Drake, Nicki Minaj... trading classes, catching up. I was happy to talk to her... if only thru messages [I'll admit, I'm not ready to hear her voice.]. She caught me off guard when she wrote me, "You know...sometimes I miss my friend." "Crespuscolo Sul Mare" played in the background and I was knocked down, like Keri Hilson knocked down.

We rapidly rehashed words about our breakup... we talked about her "I Know" poem and how I wanted to respond. We played around and continued our convo... she thought she ruined it, but she didnt. I enjoyed it. I enjoy our conversations... Because for a moment, I'm back to when we first met... when I first saw this long, dark haired woman walk through the door of cousins wedding, when I surprised her at her crib after a dare... when she threw caution to wind and braved the roads to see me in SC. I'm back there... Back to cigarette and AXE spray scented BERT AND ERNIE shirts... Sex and the city movies.... chicken and macaroni and cheese... hugging her from behind half asleep... I'm back at that place. I admit, I blew the dust off a mix cd she made and listened to it... I was right back in... and i became upset with myself... I let myself immerse into these feelings and I shouldn't have. She doesn't deserve it... But still, today I couldn't help but crank "Crespuscolo Sul Mare" on iTunes... I couldn't help but text her... I couldn't help but think of her...

You know...

I miss my friend...